After all, we're only human
Always fighting what we're feeling
Hurting 'stead of healing
After all

So. Wednesday night, had the house all to myself.
Set the candles up around the bath tub, waited for Wes to get home. He came home, and was all, " i'm so sore x__X"
me, " >3"


Lmfao, so omg....jacuzzi bath tub, wine, candles, bubble bath. ....kitchen counter.....sofa.......... Lmfao.



And tonight he's coming over here to join me with swimming :3 <3

It'll be fun.

Man, " If you were a man, i'd throw you under a truck."
Woman, " Oh, well, if you were a man, i'd be worried--"


So if anybody wants any cards/stationary/journals/notebooks just let me know :3 I have lots of designs and can make personalized ones for people if asked. I'll be sending out samples soon enough, so wassup :3333

Man....this is about to get rated R, just so you knoooowwww--

The other night was 11 months for me and wes, and...hoooooooly shit.

Okay I guess it won't get rated R because I have to go running :3 Ciao!

........just so nobody can say " she was always such a sweet girl--"
" Never would've seen it--"

...

There we go.

Okay! Tomorrow is my last day, I should be studying for my Illustration exam, annnnddd...instead i'm watching Sheer Genius and eating french fries. DUDE. This past month i'm all, " i need to lose weight x___x *eats another fry*"

I dont know what the deal is, but I've just been damn eaaatttiiinnnnggg. I'mma be a rolly polly by the end of this if I don't stop. I told Wes I can't stop eating and he goes, " ......have you had your period?"
xD


....


" No. *eats another fry*" xD

Of course i'm not due til .......late this month, early next.

Theres a commerical out that I love thats all about the " starter wives" in hollywood, and at the divorce thing, the wife starts crying and the husband is all embarrassed and just going, " She's just a little upset."
her, " OF COURSE IM UPSET. I HAVENT EATEN IN 12 YEARS!!"


........AND THAT IS ALL!!!


Oh wait, no its not. So I'm gonna be making journals for people. Heres my first design:



That's gonna be the cover. The back has that lace pattern on the bottom as well and the line carries over. It's fun. The other ones are of a similiar style. Let me know what you think!
annnddd


NEXT MONDAY IS 11 MONTHS!! AHHHHHHHHHSDFSDFS that's fucking crazy shit.

So a lot has gone on, but i'll sum it up if I can....

Two weekends ago,:

* Went to Discovery Cove, and Swam with some dolphins( and sting rays, and sharks, and baracuddas, and exotic fish.....). Easily one of the coolest fucking things........ever.
* Dolphin's name was " Jenny." =]
* I've never seen Wes smile so much. <3


Last weekend
* Went to Sea World!
* Ate at this place that half of it was a shark tank, and we sat right beside the tank. There was this one shark that was totally interested in Bradley. It was all *floats towards glass*
Bradley, " He likes me!"
Me, " He's a buck-toothed shark. Why are you excited about this?"
* Wes has never been to Sea World before so he was all smiles about that as well :3


LAST NIGHT:
* Dishwasher grabs my ass.
me *imagines a dishwasher falling on top of him*
*Dishwasher is all, " Ever been held that high? Now imagine it during oral sex -"
me *imagines him being run over by a steam engine*
*the manager I told was all, " You let him grab your ass but not me?"
me, " I didn't LET him do anything."
Manager, " I'd grab your ass too."
me, " Great. Lets take this conversation to another topic."
Manager, " Like what?"
me, " I'm rolling silverware. Wanna roll some?"
Manager, ' Let me touch your ass, yeah."
me, " Get stabbed in the face, yeah."
Manager, *to Jeff* " I tried to hit on Christi when she first got here but she blew me off."
me, " ..."
Jeff, " She blew you eh?"
me, *throws fork*
Dj *to me* " So we gonna talk after you leave or what?"
me, " Talk about the weather."
Dj, " You know, after you leave it won't be a conflict of interest any more."
me, " Except I have a boyfriend."
him, " Wheres he at?"
me, " Daytona."
Him, " He's not here. My Girlfriends not here. Its all good."
me, " Go eat a bullet."

so I quit, lolz.



Matthew told a different manager what happened and he was all, " Wow, yeah. I dont blame her. I wish she had told me." and he wants me to call him, which I will do. Apparently him and the GM went and talked to the dishwasher guy tonight after matthew told them, so who knows.


now:

FINAL TIME!!!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!

ze end.

Current Location: Savannah
Current Mood: grumpy
Current Music: Gizmo snorting.

of the best ones .

so good news and bad news:

been studying for my graphic design exam since last thursday, and totally walked out of that classroom knowing I failed it. Always a lovely feeling, but this bout i'm in has made everything harder, including stupid shit like remembering things. I need to fix this damn problem, because when it starts fucking up every little thing in my life, it can't be here any more.

Good news:

My illustration teacher liked my projects, which is always a perk, considering that's my damn major.

So tomorrow Kitty and I are planning on going to Films in Forsyth if my mom gets here in time. ( otherwise I can't go cause i'll have to chill here until they show up.) We've decided to go with the theme of
" Princess" because the movie they're showing is Anastasia. It should be funny if nothing else.

Then saturday is the sidewalk arts festival, which i'm looking forward too because I remember seeing some damn amazing pieces.

I also have the biggest urge to start a line of shirt designs. It's something i've always wanted to do, and after ordering a shirt that I could have just as easily drawn up myself and gotten printed, it's kind of inspired me to do so.

I also decided I want to get " to be great is to be misunderstood" along the edge of my foot in pretty font. Will it hurt? Fuck yes. Will it be badass? Fuck yes.

We'll run until shes out of breath
we ran until theres nothing left.
She hit the end.
its just her window ledge.

So things have been a little rocky here for me this quarter. I'm going through extreme fights with depression and it's made everything in my life harder than it should be.

Its caused some issues with my relationship because I'll just get upset so easily. I always feel defeated as of late, and I honestly just feel like a broken version of me. Wes has been pretty understanding, but I know i'm bringing him down too, because he's said he can't be happy knowing i'm so unhappy. So i've decided to come back to this to get out some issues, instead of telling him about them.

If he doesn't know i'm unhappy, then i must be happy, right?

And as much as I know he wishes I wasn't like this any more, imagine how I'm feeling. I dont want to be this. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of feeling like i'm always about to cry, or that if one more thing happens that I'll just end up in bed all day. I'm tired of laying down for so long that I feel sick, but not having the energy or the desire to get up and do anything. I want to be okay. With myself, and with where I am, but it's hard to do when everything around you just reminds you of how lonely/horrible you're feeling.

I tried for as long as I could to not really pay much attention ( maybe that was the problem. Two 1/2 years of ignoring something is time enough for it to build up to breaking) to how I felt here in Savannah, and when I met Jules I felt better for a while because I finally had someone that I wanted to hang out with. But then after the summer, we didn't hang out as much. And then she moved all together, and we don't talk too much any more.


I hate Savannah. I hate it. I want to move into an apartment next year starting fall because Matthew will be gone ( he's going to the ATL campus) and then i'll just be here at the Tree House alone all the fucking time, but I don't want to move either because then i'd just be somewhere else, alone all the fucking time. If I had a roommate/s I could rely on to pay bills, i'd glady move somewhere. Roberta said she'd pay for me to have an apartment here in Savannah if my roommate was a girl. Any takers?


I've discovered lately that I'm absolutely dying for romance.

Just like, hard core, cheesy ass romance that you see in movies or on the covers of those semi-old lady porn books. ( romance novels.)

Wes is sweet, but we haven't done anything romantic in a while. I'm talking....night on the beach, with candles, just sitting there watching the ocean kind of cheesy romance. I want that.

Mom's worried about me and has made me an apointment on the 4th to see a doctor. She said the medicine they'd probably put me on wouldn't make me happy, but it'd keep me from feeling so overwhelmed and deafted all the time. She's worried enough that she found someone to watch the dogs this weekend and is driving up here to see me. We're gonna go to the Savannah Sidewalk Arts Festival. It should be fun.

Friday the 4th will be 10 months for me and Wesley. Almost a year. I want to make things better between us, and I really think Wesley will be more happy again if he believes i'm fine and dandy. It's not a lie, it's just being very economical with the truth.

Song of the day:

Muse - Time is Running Out.

Download it.

Tags: the life out of me..., you will squeeze

I should be in Savannah right now...but i'm not. I couldn't make myself leave Wes yet, lmfao. So i'm driving off bright and early tomorrow morning, getting in town, dropping the dog off and chillin' for an hour before my first class....Great Masters Styles and Techniques. Its an art history course, so i'll shit a house if I get anything over a D. But I am taking it with Matthew, which is awesome and should help a bunch.

BUT! Tooooddaayy, I went to this crazy zoo with giraffes and kayaking, and rhinos, and birds that fly up and land on your ass, then your shoulder-- Wes couldn't come because he had to go to work, which was super gay and made me hate the living hell out of them, but there was nothing I could do and its pointless to get pissed over shit you can't change. ( We decided i'll come back Easter weekend and the two of us will just go there together.)
But the zoo was sooo much fun....lots of good pictures. There were two points that were a little uncomfortable when I had a group of amigos lookin me up and down while I waited on Bradley to get the hell out of the bathroom. The other point was when this hombre literally walked up beside me, leaned on the railing, and was all, " heyyyyy."
me, " ..."
him, " Care to get something to eat?"
me, " ...Lets not." *walks off to look at something more interesting. Stares at a turtle.*

But besides those two lovely moments, I had an awesome time. Wes called me around three and was like, " Hey, how are you?"
me, " gooooood. How are you?"
him, " i'm okay...I just missed you and wanted to hear your voice. How are things?"

It was sweet :3

Lots of things to be looking forward to for us. Easter Weekend = zoo visit with JUST him!
May = Discovery Cove/Busch Gardens Tampa Bay visit :33
( check it out. Its too awesome for words. discoverycove.com)
August = CRUIIIIISEEEEEE!!

I'm excited about it all :3

but right now, my chest is hurting...bad.

I swear I try
every day
but sometimes I just manage to do everything wrong.